Piddlers Unite

June 16, 2008--This is really no excuse for my second official blog entry, but upon my return from a skin-of-my-teeth bathroom break (out of nowhere my bladder almost gave way. Aren't I too young for this ? Do they make some sort of street shoe version of Depends for career women always on-the-go?), I am completely relating to my cat, who pees a lot, but more than that, has some sort of gland issue. Anal gland. TMI, I'm sure. But it's time for me to address her sensitive issue, publicly, and without shame.
Penny Lane (doesn't she sound adorable? she is.) has been plagued by this very unfortunate condition since she was a wee tot, and to make it even worse she has very long tufts of hair surrounding her haunches--like circus pants--which makes for a very unsavory visual in the chance you steal a glance as she's walking away from you. She's almost 9, and at the time of her adoption, we were both very very naive. I thought she was just a smelly cat from the humane society. What have they been feeding you? My mother was convinced it was because she was nothing 'but Alabama trailer trash.' Of course she did. We both agreed at least that it would probably pass as she progressed into cathood.
It hasn't. It's been a long, smelly decade. And I refuse to take her to the groomer for an 80 dollar 'lion cut,' which will only further humiliate her. There's no possible way I can give you a real good sense of this smell. But in an earnest effort, I will say it probably is along the same scent family as a freshly removed plaster cast in which sour milk has been coagulating against the skin for the hottest summer days. Honestly, Penny's ass is probably much worse. If she could read English and agree with me on this point, I'm sure she would. Poor thing, everytime she has to clean herself down there, she gags and makes that crazy 'something stinks and it's on my whiskers' cat face.
What makes it worse is that she's a beautiful and loving cat, who totally knows that her ass smells. Watching her embarrassment is probably as bad as the ooze itself. (it usually only oozes, but sometimes if you startle her it might shoot across the room like tiny baby oysters. Once, she ruined a friend's swishy pants that way. He scared her, she anally expressed herself on his favorite pants. The smell never washed out).
So what's a girl to do? I had pretty much given up all hope for my personal 'Until There's a Cure' campaign. But then I discovered these little-known jewels. Ohhh, Penny's getting a present--and she's gonna hate her mama now. (Maybe she'll lighten up when she realizes I'm sitting around next to her in my Depends).

Today's playlist:

1. Smelly Cat: Phoebe Buffay
2. That Smell--Lynyrd Skynyrd
3. Lovecats--The Cure
4. Kitty--Presidents of the U.S.A.